Friday, May 9, 2008

Okay. So in the beginning I had hair. This is my headshot I paid good money for last fall from a professional photographer so I could have something more updated and professional looking when I auditioned for my shows....mostly at Tuacahn, the only professionally run Equity theatre company in St. George. Well, I auditioned this year but didn't get in. Obviously that is all moot now. But what do I do with these headshots? Do you think someone could photoshop out my hair? Would that make it more realistic? So, here is my first journal entry. I will try to edit them to be short. I don't want to bore anyone:

This is dated on march 28, 2008.

I am not a writer. I feel compelled to journal my thoughts but I hate writing on paper. So, I am not writer in 2 senses. I don’t literally like to write….it hurts my finger; and, I am not a writer. I don’t paint these beautiful pictures for the readers to imagine up. I am not colorful with my words. This is simply going to be my thoughts, feeling and emotions conveyed on this computer I am typing on.

About a month ago I notice a small lump in my right breast. I didn’t think anything of it. You see, when you are pregnant and even as far a long as I am, you attribute everything to the pregnancy. Every ache, pain, fatigue, etc.. I attributed the lump to a clogged milk duct, although, I had never had one before with any of my other pregnancies or nursing lapses. As the weeks went on, I got more and more tired. Again, third pregnancy, I am older….what else could it be? But, then I noticed something. I noticed that, quite plainly, something just wasn’t right. I was starting to worry. Worry that my baby was going to be healthy and safe. I stopped gaining weight. My uterus wasn’t growing and the fatigue became extremely overwhelming. Now, I don’t know if any of those has to do with my diagnosis, but these were just feelings I was experiencing. My OBGYN decided to do an ultrasound to make sure the baby was okay. Happily, everything was… why did I still feel this fear that something wasn’t right.
About two weeks after I felt the initial lump, I was sitting down for the evening, after the kids had been put to bed, and noticed that the lump was slightly larger. This concerned me so I mentioned it this time to my husband. I felt it and agreed that is was still probably a clogged milk duct. I reminded myself to ask my doc about it next time I went in. Did I remember? Nope!

That's all I have for now. Thanks everyone!

1 comment:

Karen E said...

Thank you and your family for starting this blog. I love sitting next to you while we do chemo, but now I will be able to see how you're doing inbetween our chemos. You have made this a sweet experience to be around you. I am sorry that I talk so much, you might not get your email and other stuff done while I am there. I could hardly wait today to come just to see you. You are awesome!! Love you, Karen Esplin